Why do people say cruel things

Analyzing why people do the things they do and how those things affect others is one of my favorite pastimes. I enjoy finding solutions. Hurtful words carry great power. They have the potential to shove somebody into a downward spiral of self-doubt and destruction, or they can jolt that person out of their comfort zone and onto a quest of self-discovery and improvement.

Sometimes, there is some truth in the words. Often, there is none. People say mean things to others for many reasons. More often than not, the person who puts somebody else down won't remember what they said a year later; however, the recipient of those words may remember them for the rest of their lives. One way to limit the negative effects these words have on you is to consider, or even better, write down your answers to the following: who said the words, how well does that person know you or the person or circumstances they referred to, what purpose, if any, they may have had in saying them, whether or not they have any authority or expertise to have made the claim they made, if it is possible you misinterpreted what was said, and how long you are willing to allow these comments to disrupt your peace or influence your self-esteem.

Instead of concentrating on what was said, first try examining the person who said it. Did you become a target of a known bully? Was this person someone you love or someone who's supposed to love you? Was it a relative, a friend, a teacher, a coach, or a stranger? Was it somebody whose opinion you previously respected; or, was it somebody who often said things you didn't agree with?

Is this person mean to others; or, did they single you out? When you analyze the character of the person who spoke those awful words to you or about you or someone you love, you may find that their words are more a reflection of who they are and not so much about who you are.

Sometimes people say cruel things to others when their own lives are in turmoil. It's not right. It's not an excuse. It's an explanation. When people are under too much stress, they might accuse someone else of having the faults that they fear they possess; or, they might blurt out something in anger that they don't really mean. Afterward, they may feel some guilt; but they may also feel relief that they got their fears off their chest without even recognizing that their words were misdirected.

Think about whether they said what they said intentionally to hurt you or help you. They may have put you down solely to boost their own ego. If intoxication played a role, the words said may not have been meant for you. When people are too drunk or high to think clearly, they often misinterpret different aspects of their reality which causes them to make unwarranted accusations or ignorant statements.

On the other hand, when somebody's confidence is low about certain aspects of who they are, they may twist other people's words to match how they feel about themselves as a way to validate whether true or not their own perception of themselves.

People in pain, whether it be physical, emotional, or psychological, sometimes snap at the people around them. Often, those people are the ones who are dear to them. They, usually, don't mean to hurt the people they love.

The pain consumes them, and, as a result, they lash out in an attempt to feel some relief, if only for a moment. In that brief moment they are yelling out hurtful words, their minds become distracted enough to override their concentration of their pain. It may help to point out to them that this process is understandable; however, their behavior toward you is unacceptable. They need to seek treatment to avoid causing you pain. After you determine the personality of the person who hurt you and whatever outside influences may have played a part in their insensitivity to your feelings, examine what it was that made you feel bad.

Were you bothered because you believe there was truth in what was said? Did it upset you because there was no truth to it at all? Would the words have hurt you if they were spoken in a different tone or in a different setting? Sometimes, it's not what was said that hurts so much as it is who it was said in front of. However, being shamed in front of others could not only elevate the level of hurt you feel but could also play a major part in how long you hold onto it.

When around other people, you might not be so quick to defend yourself because you already feel embarrassed enough. When you can't defend yourself, you may feel angry at yourself which can cause you to feel worse. If the hurtful words spoken to you were in retaliation for something unwarranted that you said or did to hurt the person, a heartfelt apology including an admission to what you are guilty of may help mend your relationship or, at the very least, it may help the other person begin to heal.

In contrast, if the other person hurt you without just cause, you have nothing to feel guilty about. However, if what they did or said continues to cause you grief, you need to decide whether you can let go of the pain and move forward without allowing it to direct your life along a less than deserved fruitful path or if you want to feel justice by taking actions to receive an admission of guilt and an apology.

Often, this is the most someone hurt can hope for and this process may help them feel a sense of release from the negatively they feel inside. Sometimes people hurt us and almost instantly or within a relatively short amount of time we can barely recall what happened or perhaps we remember what happened but we can't recall the name of the person who hurt us.

For example, you may remember when you're 40 years old that somebody gave you a bloody nose when you were a teenager; however, you may not be able to recall who the person was or even why they hit you.

You simply let it go. Amazingly, if that same person had said something hurtful to you or about you, you may never forget their name or what they said. In order to let it go, some people are able to accept and release what was said as something in the past like a bloody nose that has no relevance in their present. This is not an easy task and the more hurtful the circumstances the harder it is to let go but it's something to strive for to allow yourself inner peace.

The process of breaking down the individual pieces of who said what and why may help to lessen the pain and to steer you in a more positive direction. In addition, it may help you learn more about the person who broke your heart or your confidence. The information you gather through this analysis may help you take a more in-depth look at your own imperfections and strong points, as well as those of the person who hurt you.

It might prompt you to forgive and forget or to move past the negativity of what was said. It may also inspire you to recognize signs that the person who hurt you needs help or maybe they need somebody to show them what kindness looks like. At the end of this analysis, you will probably have a better understanding of who you are, who you are not, and who you aspire to become. Change the poem below by adding the hurtful words said to you in the quotation.

Let them know how it felt to receive the words they said. You might feel so bad that you allow yourself to believe what was said even if deep down you know it isn't true. Instead of telling them that you're not "a loser" or whatever they accuse you of being, show them through your response. Show them the good in you; show them your beauty. Look for the good qualities in the person who said these words to you and acknowledge in your piece that you may never be them or who they expect you to be but you have good qualities, as well as, bad just like every other human on earth.

Let them know you will give your best to improve and to see the good side of others. And, always imagine how the person receiving your words might feel before putting them out there.

Spread love, not hate. This exercise may help you move past what was said and minimize the significance of it regardless of whether or not you write it for your eyes only. Question: Five years ago, someone said that I am a doormat, a pushover and that nobody knows me. It still hurts me. How should I move past it? Answer: That sounds like something somebody could have said about me 5 or 10 years ago because I was a doormat, a pushover, and I didn't share much of my feelings with others.

I thought I was kind and forgiving because it felt natural to me to accommodate people or as some might say be a "people pleaser. I realized I could still be kind and forgiving to others, but I had to be sure to be kind and forgiving to myself first. In being kind to myself, I began only accommodating others when it's truly what I want to do when it feels good to me to help someone else and not when I feel used.

In your case, If those things don't describe who you believe yourself to be or who you were at the time, then realize the person who said that to you must have misunderstood who you are and instead of stating who they thought you were they should have let you know they have concerns for you. The person who said that to you made a mistake either in what they said or in the delivery of it.

We all have flaws. Nobody's perfect. Allow yourself the peace of mind to forgive if you can. I bet the person never meant to hurt you at all and may even have thought they were helping you. Question: My boyfriend keeps saying mean things to me and throwing my past in my face. He tells me I will never be a housewife just a forty-year-old party person.

How should I handle this? If someone calls you an insulting name or puts down your abilities, do your best to forget their hurtful words so you can move on. Sometimes people lash out and say hurtful things because they're actually hurting inside. In this case, try to remember that their words say more about them than about you. Another way to move on after being told hurtful things is to avoid dwelling.

Give yourself a deadline to stew, like 1 hour, and then let it go. You can also try replacing the harmful comments with positive ones. I like those parts of myself. Did this summary help you? Yes No. Log in Social login does not work in incognito and private browsers. Please log in with your username or email to continue. No account yet? Create an account. Edit this Article. We use cookies to make wikiHow great.

By using our site, you agree to our cookie policy. Cookie Settings. Learn why people trust wikiHow. Download Article Explore this Article methods.

Related Articles. Article Summary. Method 1. Their words are about them, not you. Sometimes, when others are hurting, they may lash out at you with hurtful words.

Everyone does this from time to time. It is often done without thinking, and they may even regret the words later. Send compassion back to them rather than taking their comment personally. Validate the person who hurt you. If a person says something hurtful to you, respond gently in a way that validates the person, but not their unkind words.

Whether or not the other person intended their words to be hurtful, this type of response is likely to catch them off guard, and they may be more likely to stop and think about how their words affect you. Set a timer to stew. Rather than dwelling on the hurtful words others say to you, give yourself a deadline to stew them over.

Feel the hurt for a designated amount of time. People have said hurtful things to me for my whole life and I never understood why until I got a little bit older. My family always said hurtful things, people that I thought were my friends,boyfriends,ex boyfriends, and even strangers. I feel like they say hurtful things because they feel hurt inside so that have to inflict that pain on someone else. Even when you're there for this person in any type of way they still feel like they have to punish you instead of being appreciative towards you.

Communication is the key when it comes to something like this. Never back down. If you need a little help, just pray and I'm sure that everything will be fine. People say hurtful things for many different reasons.

Some people may feel powerful when they say words that hurt you. Some may be relieving their own internal pain by saying hurtful things. None of these are right. Anonymous June 30th, am. To pull people down, make them feel worthless, because maybe they feel that way and want you to feel the same. That's a tough question!

Many people are just mean in general. It is also believed that bullies pick on people because they themselves are insecure. So, believe in yourself and how amazing you are and pay no attention to what others say negatively about you!

Anonymous December 28th, pm. There are a couple of reasons, first, jealousy they use it to bring you down and make you feel bad about yourself, if it is for no reason then they just want you to feel bad about yourself.

I have found that most people, when saying hurtful things to or about you, are actually voicing how they feel about themselves. For instance, someone who constantly picks on your weight, may be suffering from weight issues themselves. I believe people say hurtful things because in doing so theyre making themselves feel better about themselves. Because they don't know any better.

They don't know what it feels like to be hurt so much by words most of the time. Ignore them, you're so much better. People say hurtful things because they themselves are hurting. Some people might talk about how you look without thinking about how it might feel for you.

Others may say horrible things just to upset you. If someone is being horrible, it is often best just to walk away. This is powerful. It tells the other person you are not going to take any notice of them. You may still feel angry and upset. When people made horrible comments to me about my eyes I would ignore them. Kerry Plan a response It can help to think about some responses in advance — and have some of them ready.